On Divorce and New Beginnings: After the Pain

It has been a while since I published anything on my blog. It's because I have been stifled.  I've been going through a divorce.

Let me say this from the beginning. I believe God called me from this marriage and set me on a different path. The first time I married in my early twenties, I knew deep down it was too soon for me to marry, yet I did it anyway. So when I married again in my thirties, it was different. I consulted God for years about it and even had "signs and wonders".  So I thought I was doing what God called me to do. So I felt as if I was following God, even though I had a few reservations. So yes, I believe God ordained the relationship, and yes, I know what the Bible says about divorce (Malachi 2:16).  I am also clear about the love God has for all of his children and how His thoughts and methods are above human comprehension (Isaiah 55:8). So God can do what He wants, when He wants, how He wants. I also understand what Jesus says about love (Mark 12:30-31). I believe that all things exist in love, and beyond love nothing exists. It is the only law that matters (Romans 13:8-10).  Everything else is based in fear.  So, I love my ex with the love of God and wish nothing but the best for him on his journey... I am now called to love him differently. (That goes for my first husband too). ;-)

With that said...

Going through a divorce is not easy. Over the past several months, I have learned that although our marriage is over, we are still in relationship.  We have a son together, which requires us to communicate. That's not easy.  

Like many people, we don't communicate well. When we first separated, I discovered that I had kept the same poor habits that I had developed in the marriage. I had a habit of communicating from my ego-driven hurt. My ego-driven pride told me that it was okay not to forgive my ex immediately when I felt offended.  It had also convinced me that I deserved to be talked to with a certain level of respect because I had earned it. This went on for a few months after our separation until I had enough of having my days consumed with words he said or I said - or with words that I wished I would have said after he said what he said... - Don't judge me :-)

My ego was leading the way in this area of my life as it had time and time again within our marriage. I couldn't see it at work as clearly when we were living together because I was focused on his "faults" and my "rightness", or my "faults" and his "rightness". What's the point of being "right" if there is no peace? By the same token, what's the point of humbling oneself to apologize for "faults" if true forgiveness is withheld due to pride?  

Both "rightness" (self-righteousness) and "pride" are defensive tactics used to destroy relationships. Through "rightness" and "pride" we believe we are protecting ourselves, but really we are killing the other person by denying them love. These ego-driven twins drive wedges between relationships time and again, which cause fractures in marriages, partnerships, and parent-child relationships. Ego-driven actions open the door to sin because both parties miss the mark of love and slowly kill the purpose for their relationship.

There's hope.  God uses all relationships to teach us how to love more purely, regardless of the status of the relationship. Now I can see more clearly the purpose of our post-divorce relationship. It took a while. Now when I talk to my ex, I am more aware of what I am saying. Although I don't communicate with him perfectly all of the time, I try harder. I try think of him as innocent and blameless (you know, like the day we met).  After purifying my thoughts about him, I call, email, or text. I have found that if I don't go through this purification process first, I tend to make mistakes in my communication.  However, when I quiet my mind (and the ego within me that seeks to accuse him), I feel the warm glow of love well up inside of me, and I feel the calm serenity of peace. It is confirmation that I have chosen love over fear. I hope he feels it too.

After the pain, a truthful new beginning involves the authentic process of healing. To heal we have to rid ourselves of the ego-driven sin nature that so easily besets us. What keeps you from giving and receiving the love you want? For me, it was self-righteousness and pride. Healing is within your grasp.  Let go of what's keeping you from the love you want. It's time to shift.

Hugs and love,

- Candace


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